Monday, October 8, 2012

And I Simply Decided to be Happy Again

I was just thinking today about my decision to be happy.

My husband had passed away and I was determined that I would be one of those widows who always wore black and had the air of dignified, brokenhearted sadness about her.

Really, I was never going to smile again. Then the Big Guy would know just how much I loved him and missed him. So would the world.

Ahhh… how noble it would be to go through life and never again experience joy because of my loss.

A plastic grocery bag blew across the street in front of me and I started crying. It was pretty pathetic.

Then one day, I caught myself smiling and laughing at something.

I cried all over again, because really, was I supposed to be happy?

I decided then that this sad life was not the life I wanted. I didn't want to be a martyr. I wanted joy again. I wanted my kids to see me laughing. I wanted them to be happy.

And so I decided to be happy.

It wasn't an automatic switch.

It still took time.

I still cried when I answered the phone and someone asked for my husband.

I still cried at night when I said my prayers.

But the decision was there and happiness followed.

I am so glad that I made that decision. My big guy would have wanted me happy.